I am an overthinker, but not a thorough one— for there are two types, dear reader: thorough overthinkers and non-thorough overthinkers. To describe a thorough overthinker, I would need to think thoroughly, so I’m not even going to attempt it. (The previous sentence also serves as a description of non-thorough overthinkers).
All of this is to say, as an overthinker, I am aware that this "survival" guide is not "all-compatible". There are outlying situations, species, languages, and other things (we do not have words for). I fully acknowledge that this guide is not fully comprehensive.
As a non-thorough human being, I am still going to publish these findings. But take care, dear reader, this is not a disclaimer, but rather a solemn vow. I stand by every word written here with the conviction of a man who has never been abducted but thinks he could totally handle it (If I have had my coffee). And when — not if — when, you find yourself in such a situation and this guide proves useless, I shall take it upon myself to avenge you, in the combinatory style of John (Wick), Robert (McCall) and Bryan (Mills).
Greetings, potential abductee! If you're reading this guide, you're either being proactive about the inevitable extraterrestrial encounter that awaits us all, or you're currently floating somewhere above Earth's atmosphere within a beam of light (Tractor beam from now on you got to know the lingo), doing what any of us would do in a hectic situation, googling the solution. Either way, congratulations on your imminent contribution to interstellar relations! This comprehensive guide will walk you through surviving your alien abduction while maintaining both your dignity and your molecular structure —note how there is no mention of your psychology.
Step 1: Maintain Your Composure
As the tractor beam lifts you from your bedroom/random field left open in your village/parking lot if you're mordenized, resist the urge to scream, flail, or post about it on social media. The aliens are already aware of our existence—no need to create a reputation for panic among our species. Take several deep breaths (assuming the atmosphere is breathable) and remind yourself that at least 2 cows have survived this experience. Probably. Staying calm under pressure prevents reactive decisions, clear heads solve problems!Accept that there’s a challenge and define it clearly. Ignoring problems won’t make them go away.
Step 2: Gather Information
Once aboard the craft, take careful note of your surroundings. How many appendages do your hosts have? Are they communicating through sounds, telepathy, or interpretive dance? Is the craft decorated in mid-century modern or more of a biomechanical horror aesthetic? These details will help you categorize your abductors and predict their intentions. Observation is the first step in any solution. Details matter.Assess the situation. Understand what you’re dealing with, what’s possible, and what’s out of your control.
Step 3: Define the Problem
Are you dealing with:
Your strategy depends entirely on correctly identifying what kind of abduction you're experiencing. As a tip the more awkward the more leaning to being scientific reseachers. Identify the root issue. The wrong diagnosis leads to wasted effort.
Step 4: Consider Available Resources
Take inventory of what you have on your person. That pocket lint might be worthless on Earth but could be a rare delicacy or valuable currency in the Andromeda galaxy. Your smartphone is useless without signal, but its shiny screen might distract less technologically advanced species (Since they have a tractor beam, your smartphone is still useless). Point being, Leverage what you have. Look for tools, allies, or advantages in any problem. There’s always something that can help.
Step 5: Identify Constraints
Consider the limitations of your situation:
Identifying contraints will help in defining a solution that is not impossible.Acknowledge limits—work within boundaries to avoid disaster.
Step 6: Generate Alternative Approaches
Based on your assessment, consider your options:
Whatever you do, consider all options equally, without emotion. Brainstorm without judgment. Even absurd ideas (like interpretive dance) can spark genius solutions. Remember, the goal is survival.
Step 7: Evaluate Each Approach
Weigh the pros and cons of each strategy:
Carefully evaluate each of your aproaches, keep in mind all the steps that we have taken up to this point. That is the limitations, the goal, the available resources. Using this you can determine which of your solutions has a "recordable" probability of survival.
Step 8: Select the Most Promising Strategy
Choose the approach with the highest probability of success and lowest risk of molecular disassembly or the other way round —whichever is most favorable to you.
Step 9: Develop a Contingency Plan
Always have a backup strategy. If peaceful communication fails, be prepared to demonstrate Earth's rich cultural heritage through interpretive dance (For reference) or reciting pi to 100 digits 90 ( For Practice).
Step 10: Test Small
Put your strategy into action with confidence. Remember, hesitation might be interpreted as aggression or worse—boring.Don’t rush into a solution without testing. Try small actions to gauge the response before committing.
Step 11: Monitor Results
Pay close attention to the aliens' reactions. Are their appendages waving in approval or charging up death rays? Adjust accordingly.
Step 12: Adapt as Needed
Be flexible! If your initial approach isn't working, quickly pivot to an alternative strategy. Sometimes the difference between becoming an interstellar ambassador and becoming a specimen in a cosmic museum is simply knowing when to change tactics.
Step 13: Evaluate the Outcome
Once safely returned to Earth (or comfortably settled into your new role as Supreme Human Representative to the Galactic Council), reflect on what worked, what didn't, and why.
Step 14: Document Your Experience
Record your observations for the benefit of future abductees. Just be prepared for no one to believe you.
Step 15: Apply Lessons Learned
The problem-solving skills you've developed will serve you well in future extraterrestrial encounters and mundane Earthly challenges alike.
Congratulations! If you're reading this conclusion, you've either successfully navigated your alien abduction or are presently in a simulation designed to make you believe you've returned to Earth (check for subtle inconsistencies like the sun rising in the west or politicians being reasonable).
Now, dear reader, you may never get abducted by aliens (and if you do, remember my training). But if you replace ‘aliens’ with ‘life’s unexpected challenges’—well, you just learned how to approach any problem with a clear mind, strategic thinking, and just the right amount of nonsense.
You have mastered a universal problem-solving methodology that works for challenges far beyond cosmic kidnapping. The steps you've followed—assessing the situation, analyzing variables, developing strategies, implementing solutions, and reflecting on outcomes—form the core of critical thinking and effective problem-solving in any context.
Whether you're facing alien abductors or addressing climate change, navigating interstellar diplomacy or managing a difficult workplace relationship, the fundamental approach remains the same: gather information, define the problem, consider resources and constraints, generate and evaluate alternatives, implement solutions, and learn from the experience.
The truth is out there—and so are the solutions.